Is writing a legitimate use of my time?
Do other wanna-be writers struggle with that question?
If so, perhaps you'll get a chuckle out of this piece that I wrote over a year ago.
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Guilt Takes Flight
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I got up from my study desk where I had been writing & walked over to the dryer to check the laundry. Made a mental note about the next load which I’ll do when next up here at my desk. Something flitted through my mind – too quickly to snag. Two somethings perhaps, one chasing the other. I think the first might have been a quick bit of guilt – old, familiar, nagging guilt – or maybe it was more like obligation – deber*, should, ought to – also terribly familiar. However that flickering idea was quickly followed by a less familiar one: something like “Hey, that’s what you were supposed to be doing – writing. That was your hope, your plan, your goal for the day – to write down those memories of your dad.”
Whoa. That’s what I should be doing. That’s what I set out to do. There was no need to feel guilty. Then I became aware of a third thought gliding in behind the others. Didn’t get a really good look at it so I couldn’t be sure what it was, but it looked something like “Maybe I really do want to write. Maybe writing is a legitimate use of my time.” Here I was, fulfilling my stated writing goal and enjoying it so much that it didn’t seem like work. Hmmm…
This fleeting, fluttering flight pattern hit me as an affirmation. That it’s okay to write. And that maybe I can do it. Whoa. It feels hopeful. I like it. Might I really be able to adopt the “literary life”? Is it valid to spend time writing? Could it be possible that reading, writing, and studying might be legitimate? That it could be what I’m supposed to do with at least some of my time?
There’s a huge aching lump in my throat. Something feels significant – like I stand on the brink of transformation. Can it be? How could this be turned into reality? Do I leap off the cliff? Or maybe I should learn how to climb – or to fly!!!
Mixed metaphors are wacky things. Whatever I do, I’ll need tools. But how do I know which ones? Climbing & flying are quite different.
At any rate, a few things seem clear.
• First, guilt & deberes* are not helpful.
• Second, it’s o.k. to affirm myself and my desires - and my promptings – and my efforts.
• Third, I can learn to trust myself.
• Fourth, I’m already taking some good steps: evaluation, boundaries, balance, & disciplines. Keep up the good work.
_____________
* deber: (Spanish)
-verb
1. to owe
2. to have to (must, should, ought…)
-noun
1. duty, obligation
2. debt
3. debit
Do other wanna-be writers struggle with that question?
If so, perhaps you'll get a chuckle out of this piece that I wrote over a year ago.
---
Guilt Takes Flight
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I got up from my study desk where I had been writing & walked over to the dryer to check the laundry. Made a mental note about the next load which I’ll do when next up here at my desk. Something flitted through my mind – too quickly to snag. Two somethings perhaps, one chasing the other. I think the first might have been a quick bit of guilt – old, familiar, nagging guilt – or maybe it was more like obligation – deber*, should, ought to – also terribly familiar. However that flickering idea was quickly followed by a less familiar one: something like “Hey, that’s what you were supposed to be doing – writing. That was your hope, your plan, your goal for the day – to write down those memories of your dad.”
Whoa. That’s what I should be doing. That’s what I set out to do. There was no need to feel guilty. Then I became aware of a third thought gliding in behind the others. Didn’t get a really good look at it so I couldn’t be sure what it was, but it looked something like “Maybe I really do want to write. Maybe writing is a legitimate use of my time.” Here I was, fulfilling my stated writing goal and enjoying it so much that it didn’t seem like work. Hmmm…
This fleeting, fluttering flight pattern hit me as an affirmation. That it’s okay to write. And that maybe I can do it. Whoa. It feels hopeful. I like it. Might I really be able to adopt the “literary life”? Is it valid to spend time writing? Could it be possible that reading, writing, and studying might be legitimate? That it could be what I’m supposed to do with at least some of my time?
There’s a huge aching lump in my throat. Something feels significant – like I stand on the brink of transformation. Can it be? How could this be turned into reality? Do I leap off the cliff? Or maybe I should learn how to climb – or to fly!!!
Mixed metaphors are wacky things. Whatever I do, I’ll need tools. But how do I know which ones? Climbing & flying are quite different.
At any rate, a few things seem clear.
• First, guilt & deberes* are not helpful.
• Second, it’s o.k. to affirm myself and my desires - and my promptings – and my efforts.
• Third, I can learn to trust myself.
• Fourth, I’m already taking some good steps: evaluation, boundaries, balance, & disciplines. Keep up the good work.
_____________
* deber: (Spanish)
-verb
1. to owe
2. to have to (must, should, ought…)
-noun
1. duty, obligation
2. debt
3. debit
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